If there is one thing that I miss about my student life, it's the loneliness. The late nights where I would feel rather sorry for myself for being alone, for having a boyfriend far away. Those were the nights where I would put on some sad music, sip on a glass of wine and would just write. I was able to let out my creativity, to put things into perspective, to feel.
I was able to skip a few hours of sleep, just because I was in an emotional, nostalgic mood and fligh high on the fever of exhaustion the next day. I honestly terrifyingly miss it, those nights where I would read old entries scribbled down in messy notebooks. Where I would spend the night writing and talking online to my best friend overseas. When I was counting down the days until I would not have to live them anymore, when life would finally become normal, even though I was secretly enjoying it.
These days, I am restless, and unlike the times when I was a student and would have plenty of nights on my own, working on some kind of project, I cannot retreat as easily as I could then. I spend my evenings watching some mindless tv show, listen to Jeroen's worries of the day and finding it 11 o'clock before I have put any of my wishes into practice.
It is true, I have my own room now, so I can withdraw if I need to, like I have done at the moment. It just comes at a heavy price. It is not really socially acceptable and it does not do your relationship much good if you just withdraw into your own room after a long day at work, and stay there until deep in the night. Living together with someone you love has endless advantages but it really does come at a price. It is that of your individuality, your creativity and I have yet to find a way around that.
I haven't read a good book in ages. I haven't had the time (or money) to go and look for the ones I still have on my reading list. I haven't written since I quit nano. It doesn't feel good.
I am still struggling. I love my job and I want to give it all my energy to develop in it, but I know I am a writer at heart and that I need to continue to write to keep me sane, to stop my mind from repeating every thought again and again through the night. When I feel I cannot do that, I shut down, not professionnaly, but definitely emotionally. Or I start overreacting to the smallest things.
Very few people seem to realize how much I need these little secluded hours. Even now I already feel rushed because I know that if I stay in here for too long, Jeroen will start to feel all sorry for himself that I do not pay attention to him. And he is right, I haven't been a really good girlfriend to him in ages. I still love him, but I really need some me-time but I haven't been giving him a lot of attention lately. And I feel bad for it. I just wish I could be different, but maybe I am just not meant to live together with someone.
I miss missing him, to count down the nights to when I would be able to see him again, sleep in his arms. Now I do that every night. It is warm and comfortable, but it has also become common. I do not have the urge or opportunity to prepare a romantic evening because he is always home before I am and it is just not special anymore.
I guess I will just have to get used to living like this, to find my own way in allocating me some time with my laptop or a piece of paper, or a good book. At the same time I need to try and find a way for our lives not to become boring and standard. I am just totally at loss of how I am going to do that.
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